20 June 2015

Fighting for a so-so cause

Get involved too! It is easier than you think!
By Are Kalvø (Norwegian writer and satirist)

After the big EAT conference with the princess, the Prime Minister, and that lot─there has been some criticism. There has. Not surprisingly. And maybe that has led people to think that it is impossible to get involved in something without being criticised. But that is not true. It is still possible to commit to a cause without being criticised. There are just a few things you need to keep in mind.

First of all:

Do not get involved in anything that is popular at the moment. You will no doubt be accused of throwing yourself on a trend. If, say, you live in a time when quite a lot of people are concerned about healthy living, eating locally produced food, caring about the environment, working out and looking good, you should not engage in anything healthy or local or environmentally friendly. And you should not work out. And you must not look good.

But as long as you are unfit, look a sorry sight and do not care about anything that other people care about, you are still in with a chance.

But of course - that is not enough.

It is also important not to be famous. I am sure you understand. Your involvement will quickly be brushed aside as a PR stunt. And you cannot know anyone famous either. It would be best if no famous people shares your opinion either.

But as long as you engage in something that no one else is interested in, something that presumably is not very important, and as long as you look like a mess, and you are known to nobody and you do not know anyone famous, you still have a chance.

But it is not enough. Of course not. It is not enough not to be famous or know anyone famous. It is best if you do not know anyone at all. Otherwise you might get criticised for having a powerful network. Or a non-powerful network, which might be even worse.

But as long as you have no friends and are unfit, and not much to look at, and not concerned about anything important, you are still in with a chance.

But the best course of action would be, of course, not to get involved in anything at all. If you get involved in something, you may quickly be criticised for thinking you are important.

There are a few more points to remember. Of course.

You must not have been ill. It will just look like you are fishing for sympathy. And you must not have been healthy all the time either, because that just makes you look perfect, and no one likes perfect people. Nobody.

But there it is: As long as you are ugly, and unfit, and not healthy or ill, and have never been well and never been ill, and you are not famous or know anyone or have an interest in anything, then it is an open opportunity.

Or, not open, of course not. It never is. And it never should be. People do not like people who have come too easily to things, people who just slide through life, with no resistance. So beware of open opportunities. But half-open, that is OK. Or, half-OK. Or even quarter-OK.

And that will have to do.

[Translated by yours truly.]