Why can't I own Canadians?

(It's a bit old this, but it's still fun. Besides, I really would like to own Canadians. At least a few. At least Rufus Wainwright... No - I'm not implying he wrote this, I don't know if he's even read it - I just like it, and he happens to be a Canadian I wouldn't mind owning!)

Example of own-worthy Canadian

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you. With regard to same sex marriage, you said, "In the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman". So, when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I now point them to Leviticus 18:22 which clearly states it to be an abomination. But now I need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned inExodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev 15: 19-24. The problem is - how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

Rufus may have a boyfriend, but at least he hasn't trimmed the hair around his temples...

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton / polyesterblend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev. 24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

(I'm probably the last person on earth to discover his music. For this, I apologise profusely. Should you, on the other hand, live in the dark without such wondrous tones as Vibrate or I don't know what it is or Beautiful Child or The art teacher, like I did.... Well, then you know what to do!)